on beginning to write again

OK, I’m going to try to make this as least dramatic as I possibly can..

What’s that thing called where you go on a hiatus from writing for so long that your life completely and utterly depreciates, and you feel completely dead inside because there is literally no creative outlet to express how you truly feel about things without having to condense it into 140 characters, or share a relatable meme on your Instagram story hoping that it will resonate with the people who you consider your “close circle?”

What do you call that thing?

Since COVID-19 has hit the world, MY world has been looking very different. Never on a July evening would I think that I would be listening to my 10-year old iTunes library and brushing the dust off my blog, and not picking up calls about why my 9:00pm shuttle hasn’t arrived at 8:59pm. I’ve had this thing since 2011…and I really didn’t do it any justice. Gosh, I never thought I’d be saying these words but my business doesn’t really exist right now. It doesn’t hurt anymore to say that sentence because let’s be honest — this year has been a TRIP. After realizing that 2-day Amazon Prime doesn’t exist right now — WHAT IS PAIN ANYMORE!??! I’m numb.

Jokes aside, it has been a trip. To my fucking kitchen. to my basement. to the dollar store looking for super cheap drawer organizers that I can use in my bathroom, closet, nightstands… and no, I did NOT spray them with fancy, metallic paint and DIY-it-to-Death-Pinterest-Style because you very well know I am not that girl. Not that there is anything WRONG with being THAT girl. THAT girl is definitely making more passive income than I am…. let’s be real.

I’ve actually posted several times on this blog, however, they’ve always been “Private” posts because they have been too raw for me to have the audacity to publish them publicly. But, I’m going to stop doing that. I think it’s time to publish how I really feel — since everyone is doing it (and getting away with it!).

Since I went on my hiatus, a lot has happened. I’ve lost a lot, but gained a lot more (aside from weight). Let’s count the ways:

• took over my family business full-time. and overtime – without pay. no holidays, PTOs — but unlimited sick days and an ego boost
  
• moved to an unnecessarily big house where I have to clean and dust every corner, have to pay an absurd amount of property taxes IN THE SAME TOWN I MOVED FROM 7 YEARS AGO — but I have a walk-in closet, a bathroom IN my room, and a balcony to wave to the peasants outside
  
• live with less people. who are 10x CRAZIER than the children I used to live with
  
• no longer drive a MINI where people can recognize me, but now I drive a really chic station wagon
  
• ran into a really cute guy who is smart, nice, and respects me – might marry him for fun
  
• became an aunt for a whopping 6th time
  
• went to Texas too many times to count — not for fun
  
• lost people who I loved and got betrayed by some I trusted
  
• gained some weight — also, surprisingly, NOT for fun
  
• learned about the mental health system in the US first-hand, too many times
  
• listened to at least 40,000 hours of podcasts (they’re fucking great)
  
• found myself a therapist so I can talk about all the people in my life who don’t go to therapy

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL IN MY SELF-DEVELOPMENT…

• I GOT A FUCKING DOG!!! AND IT WASN’T EVEN MY IDEA.

Guys — it’s true. Dogs are not overrated. My dog is definitely reason#3 why I am still alive. #1 are definitely memes on the internet. We’ll talk about #2 another day.

So, I’m going to attempt this on mo’ time. Just for shits and giggles. Just for fun. Just for–so I don’t feel dead inside anymore. I literally have EVERYTHING I need and yet I feel like I have nothing. Sure, that could be because of a number of things. Some will say it’s ingratitude, some will say it’s depression, some will say it’s my gut health and I need more probiotics. Someone will tell me go to keto. Or worse, vegan. Or even worse — look into Scientology. But, I think it’s a little bit more than that, pal. And that’s why we’re here tonight.

Let’s hope people still give a shit about what Nadia has to say.

yeah, OK, you probably don’t,

-n

All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

5 Tips to Start a Yoga Practice at Home

Yoga is in high demand and for the right reasons (mental, physical and spiritual wellness), but what do you do when you can’t seem to find the time (or money) to join a local yoga studio? One of the most liberating aspects about yoga is that it is accessible: you don’t need high-end equipment or a very specific facility to practice in; your home can be your yoga studio, if you make it.

TRY: Breathing & Yoga Stretches At Home

While the benefits of doing yoga in a class with other yogis and a teacher are tremendous, there’s no reason you cannot have a successful yoga practice at home. If you follow the very tips that yoga teaches, you’ll find yourself closer to the practice than you think.

1) Build a sacred space.
Nothing can be deemed more important in yoga than focus and concentration. Find a space in your home that is the least cluttered, away from your loudest (and smelliest) rooms. When it’s time to begin your daily routine, treat it as you would a professional yoga studio: with respect, cleanliness and consciousness. This means turn off/silent all electronics, keep shoes off and make others in your home aware of your practice.

WATCH:  4 Ways to Create Zen Spaces in Your Home

2) Pick a time slot and commit.
Whether it’s 5 or 50 minutes, commit yourself to those minutes every day to practice. Remember: this is for you and no one else. A great tip is to stick to practicing at the same time each day. This is even more beneficial when you have an at-home practice; you can do a quick 10-minute flow when you hop out of bed every morning or every night before getting in.

3) Use the vast resources at your fingertips.
In this time and age, you can figure a lot about yoga before you even decide to start practicing a life with it. The internet is a powerful resource, so ask questions about yoga etiquette, find professional online videos for all levels, subscribe to a yoga on-demand service, I use Veria,  Veria Living Go, and YogaGlo and learn more about the practice off the mat.

4) Be safe.
Know what you can and cannot do. The benefits of going to yoga class are the variations to poses a good yoga teacher will always show you. These variations will be in your at-home videos as well, just make sure you don’t do anything you’re not sure of.

5) Be proud of yourself.
One of the many great things yoga teaches is discipline and if you are able to press pause on everything that is going on around you and give yourself a few minutes consistently, then commend yourself and remember that you are growing everyday on a successful, happy, and healthy journey.

That Cliché Resolutions List

Happy New Year, friends! I’ve decided that this year, I’m actually going to make a real resolutions list. I’ve never done one of these legit resolutions before, where I want to actually work on something on myself consistently. From what I can recall, I found resolutions rather silly — I usually just expected things to change, if they were meant to, year by year. Of course, there will always be certain things that you don’t have control over in your life, but most things in your life are. We don’t realize how much control we have over our lives. Most of us let the people around us control us, let circumstances influence our decisions, our moods, our behaviors.

2013 was one of the most mixed years of my life, for the lack of a better word. It was extremely hard, disappointing, painful, devastating, yet exciting, full of wisdom, love, and happiness. I lost very close people to my heart, friendships and relationships changed drastically, I got my first official job post-college, made new friendships, and got my feet a little wet in the real world. Obviously, there’s so much left for me to discover and know, but 2013 was a year that has begun to carve me into the kind of person I’m probably going to be in the next 5 years. The choice is mine, to stay in the dark places I was in last year, or hold on to the light I found. I’ve realized, I’m going to hold on to the light I found; and those of you who are having troubles (who isn’t, really?), there must have been some moments of light in 2013 —the choice to hold on to those moments is yours, no one else’s.

Don’t be Sad

“Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated buildings. If every man and every jinn were to try jointly to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season and so should you.”

~ this quote refers to a very significant chapter in the Islamic book, Don’t be Sad by Dr. ‘A’id al-Qarni. It refers to the past, and it’s toxic effects, if one lets it get that far. I know this firsthand, for the past haunts me everyday, every instant. Even simple things that happened the week before, or the day of, but didn’t go the way I’d like them to, eat me up inside and out. However, I’m attempting everyday to change this awful habit; reiterating phrases like, “it’s water under the bridge,” “It’s the past,” help once in a while. Reading this particular section in Don’t be Sad certainly helped, because it goes into detail the differences between someone who allows the past to haunt and hinder them, and those who do not allow it to. It’s helped me, maybe it may help some other reminiscent junkies like me.

The past should only serve for historical purposes, and happy reminiscent moments. Let’s try to keep it that way.

Carpe Diem is popular for a reason,

Nadia

Quatro

Well, my 3rd day is FIN. It’s been FIN for about 25 minutes now, and day 4 has begun. Surprisingly, it was not AS torturous as I had earlier posted it to be; it was more up and down, where I was feeling fairly good, and then I realized how shitty not eating is! Lol, I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly expressed how “CRAPPY” (pun intended there. I know, I’m so not ladylike), I feel these early days. Probably because the other two times I did this cleanse, I was busy during the semester, so I didn’t really have time to sit down and moan and groan and bitch about the ridiculous things I do.

I probably spent a total of 4 hours (divided throughout the day) on Pinterest. It’s obviously the BEST SOCIAL NETWORK EVER MADE IN HUMANITY, but if you look at my “Because I’m a Size 0” board, you will clearly see that I lost my mind on Day 3 of the MC (not MC Hammer). Well, whatever it was, I cannot wait to make, bake, grill, cook, fry, taste, and devour all the NEW RECIPES I FOUND TODAY! OMG!

My most anticipated recipe: MONKEY BREAD!! OO OO AHH AHH … Yes, I have lost it. You will too, my friends, you will too.

Until another moment,

Tres

Today is day three. Three is my favorite number, but I know today is going SUCK SO MUCH. I already don’t wanna finish my salt water flush, it feels terrible and I feel terrible. I don’t wanna do anything and I don’t want to function today. But, I’ve lost all discipline in my life so maybe I need to keep. Going.

Ugggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dos

Well, today I finished my second day of the master cleanse. Technically, it’s after 12 so this would mean I’m starting my 3rd day. Regardless, it was torture. I pretty much ate 45 bananas through my brain and my head has been hurting for awhile now. It’s freezing outside, about 18 degrees F, so I haven’t even stepped out of the house all day/night. It’s been fairly torturous and I don’t like anyone,really. Especially those who eat loudly in my house…..oh my god. Well, I’ve got 8 adorable days left, and on a side note, this is the first time I’m blogging from my ipad. 😉 mad cute and shit.

Also, I’ve been freezing to death all day, and I think drinking this lemonade is contributing to it. It’s funny how whenever I have thought about the master cleanse in the past, it’s always pretty positive. I know it was hard and required commitment, but its like my brain only latches on to how good I left in the end –not reminding me how painful it is too! Ahh well, this too shall pass.

Till manyana,

Nadia

Le French Fashion: Reem-yon It Up This Fall

“Fashion has two purposes: comfort and love. Beauty comes when fashion succeeds.”
—Coco

I am not a “fashion journalist.” If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I am not a writer of style/fashion. I know right, so uncool. At least there’s one thing I do know about myself as a journalist/writer (woohoo!) It’s a shame, however, that not only do I not identify myself as a fashion writer, but I also refuse to “teach” myself to be a fashion writer. Because guess what? There’s A LOT of jobs out there that are for fashion journalism—and I just don’t want any of them. I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s the fact that I wanted to be a “fashion designer” in 7th grade, maybe because I’ve never sewed more than two things in my life, or maybe it’s cause writing about style, colors, and outfits just don’t fuel my fire.

However, if there’s one thing I do know it’s that the French are beautiful, skinny, and smelly. And they gave us Lady Liberty and are also named after one of America’s most delicious fried foods. With that historical information, I’m now going to try something new. I’m going to write a “style” post for the first time in mi vida. But, be warned mi amigos, this is unconventional, irrational, and will probably be exactly what you’re not looking for. 

YouTube Ads & Gingers: Oh, the terror!

Gingers have no soul, they say. I’m not usually one to believe in rumors, but come on, this one is definitely true, don’t you agree?

 I’ve only liked two gingers my whole life. Ronald Weasley from Harry Potter and Dexter Morgan from DEXTER, the best show on Earth. Recently, I was listening to some music on YouTube, when a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on. Oh GOD, not only do I HATE ads before my favorite music plays,(everyone does), but I also DESPISE VS. Why? Because they charge like $27342983+++ for my bra size and that makes me feel sad 😦 It’s not my goddamn fault I was pleasantly endowed with a bigger bosom so why does VS have to torture me? Anyways, while I was about to end myself from the 30-sec commercial, I couldn’t help but notice that there was a REALLY GOOD FKING song playing in the background. After scrolling through the comments and whatnot, I figured out what song, artist it was, since I wasn’t the only one curious. I don’t know what it was, maybe I’m a girl, maybe I’ve been feeling lovey-dovey recently (don’t even dare to ask me why), but “Give Me Love” just sounded really fking great and now I can’t stop listening to it; while I sleep, while I shower, while I write—the combination of the smartphone and gingers have come far.

The lesson here, my friends, is that there comes a time in every individual’s life when the things/people/types/tastes that you usually dislike, even despise, might just surprise you with an inkling of pleasure. Because, guess what? Life works like that. Of course, there’s ALWAYS going to be things/people/types/tastes that are always going to suck no matter what, like Taylor Swift or the show GLEE, and that’s okay, that’s perfectly fiiiiine.

—till manyana, Nadia.

p.s.

Check out “Kiss Me,” and “Small Bump,” by Sheeran for more lovely-dovey, girly, ohmygod I’m in love songs.